FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER: IN 10 LESSONS: USING THE NET AND THE 7Qs

Part 1 was about Lessons #1-5; and Part 2, #6-10. Here is a more detailed discussion of Lesson #6, “Using the Net,” and Lesson #8, “Using the 7Qs.”  

Using the Net to Find Him

More and more relationships now start on the Net (dating sites or social media platforms). But many are still afraid because of the high-profile horror stories on true crime shows. If done right, however, you can really find him there. I found two and it wasn't about luck. How you conduct yourself determines who you attract, whether on the Net or not. Here were the steps I followed:

1. Put up a profile that is compatible with the kind of person you want. I had pictured my husband to be a college-educated professional. So, my profile photo was the professional Carol, not the sexy Carol. The likes, hobbies, etc. reflected the same aura: reading, writing, cooking, and travel. But don’t make stuff up.

2. Set initial parameters and weed out those who do not meet them from just the profile and the initial correspondence. For me, they had to be no more than 65 years old, not taller than 5”10, not heavy-set, and not just high school graduates. I also looked for someone who loves travel. Finally, I did not continue to correspond if they did not have the same facility for English.

3. Choose the few you could invest some time in getting to know. Aside from looking for a shared passion, start using the 7 Qs (especially PQ and SQ, if they matter to you). Learn to spot inconsistencies in what they say in the letters compared with shat they wrote in their profiles.

4. Do not meet in person until you have some assurance about #3.  It took me eight weeks of correspondence before I agreed to meet Bill.

5. Meet at a public place or at an activity where there are people who know you. I  first met Bill at my Toastmasters Club meeting. Aside from my fellow club members, my sister was there as our guest speaker. I wanted THEM to meet so he could donate free brochures (he owned a printing business) to our school for the deaf. I was pleasantly surprised. He looked good and helped distribute meeting materials to the attendees.

6. Become activity partners first. We tried many things: going hiking in Mt. Rainier with my granddaughters, hearing Catholic Masses with friends, and having dinners either with his or my family. This is when you can find out about the other Qs.

7. If he measures up with the Qs and he is a potential life partner, start to date exclusively. It was after a few months of doing activities together that we went out to a concert by Michel Le Grand at a jazz place.  

Use the 7 Qs to Choose Him

Here are the 7 Qs and their meanings in the order of how easy it is to judge them.

IQ: Intelligence Quotient. This is the easiest to determine. You can take an IQ test together. It can also be seen in how smooth your conversations go. If he or she can follow your thoughts, you can follow his, and you have stimulating and satisfying discussions, you are probably on the same level.

FQ: Financial Quotient. This is not about how much money a person has or how lavishly he courts you. It’s about how he actually makes money and how judiciously he spends it. Be with someone who shares the same FQ as you.

PQ: Political Quotient. There is a huge divide in America. It should be easy enough to know if you are on the same side. I would not add political differences to the basket of things you have to deal with.

SQ: Spiritual Quotient. As with PQ, I would rather not have to deal with spiritual differences. It is so much better if you both believe in a God and conduct your lives under His guidance. If you belong to the same religion, it is a bonus that you can attend services together. Bill is a Catholic and I consider this one of the strengths of our relationship.

MQ: Moral Quotient. This is a little bit more difficult to see right away. It is his view of what is right and wrong. There are many situations you must be in to determine this. That is why it is important to be activity partners for a time. In a courtship, you can also see if the person proceeds faster than your moral dictates allow. If he leads you into something you are not prepared for, that’s a red flag.

EQ: Emotional Quotient. This is the most difficult to ascertain because, in courtship, the other person is usually working hard to put his best foot forward.  That is why being activity partners first will allow other people, family, and friends, to help you with additional feedback.

The two men I was considering had equal IQs. I saw how they spent, how they earned their money and the homes they kept. So FQ was the same. PQ was also the same. Bill was a Catholic, however, and edged the other in SQ. He also conducted himself much better during the courtship. But it was EQ where he was miles ahead. My nine-year-old granddaughter gave me the biggest hint about this.

Desirability Quotient. But this should be the least important of the Qs. When we are young, it is Numero Uno. Look around you and you will see that, after 20-30 years, most people become ghosts of their young selves. A partnership based on desirability or physical attraction will not last. I was lucky that Bill was taller and more distinguished-looking.

Next Week: Becoming a Wife without Losing My Identity