FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER: 10 LESSONS Part 1

 

This was first published in this blog last Feb. 26, 2021. I have updated it here.

Valentine’s is just a couple of weeks from now. I remember the many years I suffered without a Valentine. And then there were also the years when I technically had one but didn’t feel special at all. In 2004, I gave up my career to be close to my children who had migrated to North America. I also had another hidden goal: Find a lifetime partner.

At the young age of 60, I finally did! It was better late than never, and I realized there were significant lessons I learned along the way. This Part 1 is for the five things we generally know but fail to execute well. Part 2 will be about five new ways that I stumbled upon. Part 3 will be a more detailed discussion of “How to Look For and Choose Him.”     

Number 1: Give yourself the time to make a proper choice.

I began life as a nerd. My IQ (intelligence quotient) developed but my EQ (emotional quotient) didn’t. I had a good rationalization: I was focused on getting out of the slums of Manila through good education and hard work. Besides I thought I was ugly. Then, out of nowhere, a smart engineering UP student took notice of me. He drove a car on campus, his family owned a taxi fleet, and I could flag one anytime, anywhere. Getting out of poverty seemed almost at hand!

He took me to places I never thought I could be. Every day he picked me up and brought me home, took me to lunch, and walked me from class to class. My schoolmates said his degree was a BS in Mathematics major in Carol Esguerra. When I began to work, he continued the practice. My officemates called him Jaworski, a legendary guard in Philippine basketball. No other guy had a chance.

Number 2: Don’t Marry for the Wrong Reason

A year after I graduated, he proposed with a dazzling one-carat diamond ring and matching half-carat earrings. My father was beaming with pride that his second daughter was marrying up. We had a lavish reception at a well-known restaurant, unlike my older sister whose celebration was held at her groom’s house.

It was only after the second of our three children that he finally graduated from UP, after fifteen years. I was too smitten to notice that his family may have had the money, but he didn’t have the kind of drive that I had. I began to worry about our future and worked harder while he turned to Roses, Lilies, and Daisies.

After almost ten years, I decided that the life of a stressed single parent would be better. I focused on my career, getting more degrees, acquiring more assets, and collecting more accolades, leaving my children in the care of nannies, cooks, and drivers. It was a frenzied search for financial security. But it was a very lonely life.

Number 3: Stay committed to a lasting marriage.

This lesson I did not learn until much later. My instinct had been for flight, instead of fight. It would be on my third chance that I learned to calm down and compromise. I finally realized that there was no need to withdraw every time one encounters a difficulty because staying offered much bigger rewards. One of the biggest of them is to have a complete family. Christmas, after I left my marriage, was never again as happy until very much later.

Perhaps I should have worked with my ex-husband more. I tried but he did not come to the counseling sessions I arranged. I should have tried harder. I stopped working for two years and took up an MBA with him. But when I got better grades submitting almost the same work, that fell apart, too. But still, “What if?”

Number 4: Recapture what attracted you to each other in the first place.

Children change our perspective about life. I became focused on income generation and forgot about union preservation. He often said I may be studious, but he had native intelligence. True. I should have returned to the basic reason I was attracted to him in the first place, and I don’t mean the money; it was the long talks under the moonlit sky. But I no longer had time for that.

Number 5: Find one passion you can share.

This is the one thing that made my third try successful and my first one doomed.  My husband and I have one thing that we solidly share. Underneath we had the same travelers’ souls. RVing became an extended honeymoon when every scenic sight became not just a marvel but also, at times, a coping mechanism. And it continued as we conquered city after city, continent after continent. Travel nurtured both of us and gave us the spices to fuse the disparate flavors.

Maybe I should have spent the time in coffee talks and mahjong tables with the father of my children. His passion was the easy life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t mine.

Next week: 5 New Lessons I Stumbled Upon

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