FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER IN 10 LESSONS: Part 2

This is Part 2 with Lessons #6-10. Last week's post featured Lessons #1-5.

The turning point happened when my sister passed on from cancer in 2003. She had been estranged from her husband for years and her only daughter had died the year before, also of cancer. I didn’t want to die the same way, alone and lonely. Besides, at the time my three children already had careers of their own. It was my time! I wanted to cook, teach, travel, write, and, yes, love a little.” 

The last one would have been impossible in Manila. When I became a high-ranking government official, the annulment of my marriage became easier to obtain, a usually long and expensive process. Even then, I found out that all the good ones were already taken. Since two of my children had left the nest to emigrate to North America, I followed them and learned these five lessons.  

Lesson Number 6: “Projectize” what you want to happen.

“Finding Him” was to be the most important project in my life. First, I clarified my goal and drew a description of the kind of person I wanted to marry. He must be college-educated, five years older, and five inches taller. Learning from Lesson Number 1, I cast my net wide. I thought there must be someone meant for me from the seven billion people in the whole world! The task was to find him.

It may not have been that popular then but today most relationships fashionably start online. My sister who had already been “shopping,” put me on Match.com. Voila! The letters came and cheapskate me didn’t have to pay a single cent. From the “candidates,” I zeroed in on a naturopath from Texas. We shared one passion (Lesson Number 5): helping my sister beat the dreaded C. Good looks, good profession, and a voice like Frank Sinatra’s drew me to long chats with him.

 

Lesson Number 7: Go for more than long-distance relationships.

When I got to Seattle, he came to visit me and immediately popped the question. Having waited for 20 years to be asked again, I readily said yes. After the wedding, he nursed me back to health (I was a mere 101 pounds, utterly burned out when I entered America) and soon I bounced back with energy. But after a long road trip to Virginia and another to California, he dropped a bomb: he was tired of travel. 

The unwelcome truth that he lied to me before came just as a life-altering event happened. After 4 sisters, 3 daughters, and 2 granddaughters, I wanted to go to Calgary to take care of a grandson about to be born in Calgary. My ex-husband did not understand a grandmother’s heart; worse, not a Filipino heart! Against his vehement objections, I puffed my last cigarette, threw the unfinished pack away, flew to Canada, and filed for divorce.

Yes, long-distance relationships can hide parts of a person.

Lesson Number 8: Consider all 7 Qs.

I may have been an experienced project manager, but I clearly had no clue about how to get to know a person enough to marry him. When another grandson was born in Seattle, I went back to the US to take care of him. I told myself I could try again but I had to choose better this third time. Perhaps it would be a charm.

While volunteering for SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives), I was invited to teach at three institutions of higher learning. Babysitting during the day, my nights and weekends were spent teaching. It was another burn-out waiting to happen. My concerned sister “advertised” me on Match.com again.

Soon I had many dates. When I had narrowed down the search to two, one for a Friday evening date and the other for Saturday evening, my then nine-year-old granddaughter cried foul and said, “Mama, if you don’t choose Bill, I will never speak to you again.” My family had recognized he had the superior EQ (emotional quotient), the most important of the 7Qs. It is a framework a late psychiatrist-friend suggested to me. I put it to good use. Please see Part 3 for the details.

Lesson Number 9: Change the circumstances.

Finding him is only half the story. Keeping him is the other half. Bill and I met late in life with deep-set habits and cultural, gender, and individual differences. In 2013, after a series of conflicts, we decided to give space to each other. Bill left me in Seattle after New Year’s Day and proceeded to his son in Boise. 

When he came back on Valentine’s Day, we realized that we had to change our circumstances. After RVing for eight years in North America, he had gotten tired of all the driving (I don’t). We needed to reboot. We still shared a passion for travel (Lesson Number 5), the first secret to a lasting marriage. We bought a home, sold our RV, and bought four months of timeshare to travel the world.

Lesson Number 10: Stay with commitment and respect.

Bill had a twenty-nine-year marriage that ended only because his wife passed on due to cancer. My first marriage ended after nine years; my second, only two. His constant plea was for me to view the totality of the relationship and its long-term nature, not any specific situation and certainly not just the moment. He showed me how the commitment to stay together is the second secret.

I discovered that this is easier (unlike with my first husband) when there is a deep respect for the other. We came to accept that we would probably never have worked out as a couple at the height of our careers when we were very competitive. But at the age we met, our past accomplishments were the source of that deep respect for each other. This is the third secret.

Next week: Using the Net and the 7Qs