Inner Journey #1: Becoming a Wife Without Losing Your Identity

Right before I met Bill, I was again caught in the web of a driven life in America. Aside from babysitting a grandson, I was teaching in three schools of higher learning and volunteering to counsel small businesses for the Service Corps of Retired Executives (SCORE). I felt doomed; I was truly not wife-material! 

Enter a knight in shining armor. Bill was almost as driven as I was. He had been President/CEO of a national printing solutions company, board director for the Document Management Industry Association, active in church and politics, and owner of a printing franchise. Early in 2007 we “fashionably” met on the Net and at 8 pm on 08/08/08, we married on Champagne Lady, a private cruise ship, on Washington’s Lake Union. We cruised together to a life of cruising in an RV. 

We crossed the continent in a whirlwind, from Canada to Mexico and all over the US. It became an extended honeymoon. But in the mainly white RV communities of campgrounds, I met only one Asian, a Hispanic couple, and a few African Americans in almost five years. So different from my homeland, the lifestyle was fatal for the Filipina in me. I longed for a familiar social support system. At first, each scenic sight became a coping mechanism. But soon I wanted to throw out the pillow we bought at the Palm Springs Villagefest. It said, “We get along in our RV ‘cuz we have no room to disagree!” 

All couples disagree. John Gottman's bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work says that 69% of a couple’s problems will never go away because most disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences. Dan Wile said it another way in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner… you will inevitably be selecting a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.”  

For us, that 69% statistic may as well be 96%! We met with values and habits very set and with personal, gender, and cultural differences to boot. I found out that I was way more driven than he was. He had patience, I didn’t. We increasingly had fights and we weren’t doing it right. Another best seller by John Gottman (with wife Julie Fight Right was published in Nov. 2023. It could have helped us turn conflict into connection. 

On January 2013 after New Year’s Day, Bill left me in Seattle with my daughter and he went to his son in Boise. During tough times, I usually bury my attention on something else. That was when my first book, Carolina: Cruising to an American Dream, was born. It reaffirmed who I was as a person. When Bill came back on Valentine’s Day, we were able to see that neither had to change himself/herself. We found out that we still shared our passion for travel (Lesson #5). We just had to change our circumstances (Lesson #9) and go on to a new phase of discovering the world. 

After a survey of the Southwest, in October of the same year, we settled on Viewpoint Golf Resort in Mesa, Arizona as a base. I have been to thirty-five countries from that base, he was with me in twenty-five. Four years later, our base was no longer a parked RV. He carried me over the threshold. It was a thrilling first experience, at 69!    

We were assured that we had a good level of compatibility with 7 Qs (Lesson #8): intelligence, morals, finance, religion, politics, and desirability.  My tremendous luck is that he is a man with a high emotional quotient. He had a twenty-nine-year marriage that ended only because she passed on due to cancer. My first lasted ten; the second, two. 

Bill’s consistent request was for me to view the totality of the relationship, not any specific situation, certainly not the moment, and not to withdraw every time there was a difficulty (Lesson#3). I learned how to stay, without losing my identity. It was the deep respect we had for each other, being similarly accomplished, that made us stay and remain committed (Lesson #10).

Last August, we renewed our vows on our fifteenth anniversary (headline photo) on the island of Oahu in the presence of our families. My inner journey to becoming a wife is complete.  

Next Week: How to Stay Young as Late as Possible: The Longevity Diet Part 1

FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER: IN 10 LESSONS: USING THE NET AND THE 7Qs

Part 1 was about Lessons #1-5; and Part 2, #6-10. Here is a more detailed discussion of Lesson #6, “Using the Net,” and Lesson #8, “Using the 7Qs.”  

Using the Net to Find Him

More and more relationships now start on the Net (dating sites or social media platforms). But many are still afraid because of the high-profile horror stories on true crime shows. If done right, however, you can really find him there. I found two and it wasn't about luck. How you conduct yourself determines who you attract, whether on the Net or not. Here were the steps I followed:

1. Put up a profile that is compatible with the kind of person you want. I had pictured my husband to be a college-educated professional. So, my profile photo was the professional Carol, not the sexy Carol. The likes, hobbies, etc. reflected the same aura: reading, writing, cooking, and travel. But don’t make stuff up.

2. Set initial parameters and weed out those who do not meet them from just the profile and the initial correspondence. For me, they had to be no more than 65 years old, not taller than 5”10, not heavy-set, and not just high school graduates. I also looked for someone who loves travel. Finally, I did not continue to correspond if they did not have the same facility for English.

3. Choose the few you could invest some time in getting to know. Aside from looking for a shared passion, start using the 7 Qs (especially PQ and SQ, if they matter to you). Learn to spot inconsistencies in what they say in the letters compared with shat they wrote in their profiles.

4. Do not meet in person until you have some assurance about #3.  It took me eight weeks of correspondence before I agreed to meet Bill.

5. Meet at a public place or at an activity where there are people who know you. I  first met Bill at my Toastmasters Club meeting. Aside from my fellow club members, my sister was there as our guest speaker. I wanted THEM to meet so he could donate free brochures (he owned a printing business) to our school for the deaf. I was pleasantly surprised. He looked good and helped distribute meeting materials to the attendees.

6. Become activity partners first. We tried many things: going hiking in Mt. Rainier with my granddaughters, hearing Catholic Masses with friends, and having dinners either with his or my family. This is when you can find out about the other Qs.

7. If he measures up with the Qs and he is a potential life partner, start to date exclusively. It was after a few months of doing activities together that we went out to a concert by Michel Le Grand at a jazz place.  

Use the 7 Qs to Choose Him

Here are the 7 Qs and their meanings in the order of how easy it is to judge them.

IQ: Intelligence Quotient. This is the easiest to determine. You can take an IQ test together. It can also be seen in how smooth your conversations go. If he or she can follow your thoughts, you can follow his, and you have stimulating and satisfying discussions, you are probably on the same level.

FQ: Financial Quotient. This is not about how much money a person has or how lavishly he courts you. It’s about how he actually makes money and how judiciously he spends it. Be with someone who shares the same FQ as you.

PQ: Political Quotient. There is a huge divide in America. It should be easy enough to know if you are on the same side. I would not add political differences to the basket of things you have to deal with.

SQ: Spiritual Quotient. As with PQ, I would rather not have to deal with spiritual differences. It is so much better if you both believe in a God and conduct your lives under His guidance. If you belong to the same religion, it is a bonus that you can attend services together. Bill is a Catholic and I consider this one of the strengths of our relationship.

MQ: Moral Quotient. This is a little bit more difficult to see right away. It is his view of what is right and wrong. There are many situations you must be in to determine this. That is why it is important to be activity partners for a time. In a courtship, you can also see if the person proceeds faster than your moral dictates allow. If he leads you into something you are not prepared for, that’s a red flag.

EQ: Emotional Quotient. This is the most difficult to ascertain because, in courtship, the other person is usually working hard to put his best foot forward.  That is why being activity partners first will allow other people, family, and friends, to help you with additional feedback.

The two men I was considering had equal IQs. I saw how they spent, how they earned their money and the homes they kept. So FQ was the same. PQ was also the same. Bill was a Catholic, however, and edged the other in SQ. He also conducted himself much better during the courtship. But it was EQ where he was miles ahead. My nine-year-old granddaughter gave me the biggest hint about this.

Desirability Quotient. But this should be the least important of the Qs. When we are young, it is Numero Uno. Look around you and you will see that, after 20-30 years, most people become ghosts of their young selves. A partnership based on desirability or physical attraction will not last. I was lucky that Bill was taller and more distinguished-looking.

Next Week: Becoming a Wife without Losing My Identity

FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER IN 10 LESSONS: Part 2

This is Part 2 with Lessons #6-10. Last week's post featured Lessons #1-5.

The turning point happened when my sister passed on from cancer in 2003. She had been estranged from her husband for years and her only daughter had died the year before, also of cancer. I didn’t want to die the same way, alone and lonely. Besides, at the time my three children already had careers of their own. It was my time! I wanted to cook, teach, travel, write, and, yes, love a little.” 

The last one would have been impossible in Manila. When I became a high-ranking government official, the annulment of my marriage became easier to obtain, a usually long and expensive process. Even then, I found out that all the good ones were already taken. Since two of my children had left the nest to emigrate to North America, I followed them and learned these five lessons.  

Lesson Number 6: “Projectize” what you want to happen.

“Finding Him” was to be the most important project in my life. First, I clarified my goal and drew a description of the kind of person I wanted to marry. He must be college-educated, five years older, and five inches taller. Learning from Lesson Number 1, I cast my net wide. I thought there must be someone meant for me from the seven billion people in the whole world! The task was to find him.

It may not have been that popular then but today most relationships fashionably start online. My sister who had already been “shopping,” put me on Match.com. Voila! The letters came and cheapskate me didn’t have to pay a single cent. From the “candidates,” I zeroed in on a naturopath from Texas. We shared one passion (Lesson Number 5): helping my sister beat the dreaded C. Good looks, good profession, and a voice like Frank Sinatra’s drew me to long chats with him.

 

Lesson Number 7: Go for more than long-distance relationships.

When I got to Seattle, he came to visit me and immediately popped the question. Having waited for 20 years to be asked again, I readily said yes. After the wedding, he nursed me back to health (I was a mere 101 pounds, utterly burned out when I entered America) and soon I bounced back with energy. But after a long road trip to Virginia and another to California, he dropped a bomb: he was tired of travel. 

The unwelcome truth that he lied to me before came just as a life-altering event happened. After 4 sisters, 3 daughters, and 2 granddaughters, I wanted to go to Calgary to take care of a grandson about to be born in Calgary. My ex-husband did not understand a grandmother’s heart; worse, not a Filipino heart! Against his vehement objections, I puffed my last cigarette, threw the unfinished pack away, flew to Canada, and filed for divorce.

Yes, long-distance relationships can hide parts of a person.

Lesson Number 8: Consider all 7 Qs.

I may have been an experienced project manager, but I clearly had no clue about how to get to know a person enough to marry him. When another grandson was born in Seattle, I went back to the US to take care of him. I told myself I could try again but I had to choose better this third time. Perhaps it would be a charm.

While volunteering for SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives), I was invited to teach at three institutions of higher learning. Babysitting during the day, my nights and weekends were spent teaching. It was another burn-out waiting to happen. My concerned sister “advertised” me on Match.com again.

Soon I had many dates. When I had narrowed down the search to two, one for a Friday evening date and the other for Saturday evening, my then nine-year-old granddaughter cried foul and said, “Mama, if you don’t choose Bill, I will never speak to you again.” My family had recognized he had the superior EQ (emotional quotient), the most important of the 7Qs. It is a framework a late psychiatrist-friend suggested to me. I put it to good use. Please see Part 3 for the details.

Lesson Number 9: Change the circumstances.

Finding him is only half the story. Keeping him is the other half. Bill and I met late in life with deep-set habits and cultural, gender, and individual differences. In 2013, after a series of conflicts, we decided to give space to each other. Bill left me in Seattle after New Year’s Day and proceeded to his son in Boise. 

When he came back on Valentine’s Day, we realized that we had to change our circumstances. After RVing for eight years in North America, he had gotten tired of all the driving (I don’t). We needed to reboot. We still shared a passion for travel (Lesson Number 5), the first secret to a lasting marriage. We bought a home, sold our RV, and bought four months of timeshare to travel the world.

Lesson Number 10: Stay with commitment and respect.

Bill had a twenty-nine-year marriage that ended only because his wife passed on due to cancer. My first marriage ended after nine years; my second, only two. His constant plea was for me to view the totality of the relationship and its long-term nature, not any specific situation and certainly not just the moment. He showed me how the commitment to stay together is the second secret.

I discovered that this is easier (unlike with my first husband) when there is a deep respect for the other. We came to accept that we would probably never have worked out as a couple at the height of our careers when we were very competitive. But at the age we met, our past accomplishments were the source of that deep respect for each other. This is the third secret.

Next week: Using the Net and the 7Qs

FINDING A LIFETIME PARTNER: 10 LESSONS Part 1

 

This was first published in this blog last Feb. 26, 2021. I have updated it here.

Valentine’s is just a couple of weeks from now. I remember the many years I suffered without a Valentine. And then there were also the years when I technically had one but didn’t feel special at all. In 2004, I gave up my career to be close to my children who had migrated to North America. I also had another hidden goal: Find a lifetime partner.

At the young age of 60, I finally did! It was better late than never, and I realized there were significant lessons I learned along the way. This Part 1 is for the five things we generally know but fail to execute well. Part 2 will be about five new ways that I stumbled upon. Part 3 will be a more detailed discussion of “How to Look For and Choose Him.”     

Number 1: Give yourself the time to make a proper choice.

I began life as a nerd. My IQ (intelligence quotient) developed but my EQ (emotional quotient) didn’t. I had a good rationalization: I was focused on getting out of the slums of Manila through good education and hard work. Besides I thought I was ugly. Then, out of nowhere, a smart engineering UP student took notice of me. He drove a car on campus, his family owned a taxi fleet, and I could flag one anytime, anywhere. Getting out of poverty seemed almost at hand!

He took me to places I never thought I could be. Every day he picked me up and brought me home, took me to lunch, and walked me from class to class. My schoolmates said his degree was a BS in Mathematics major in Carol Esguerra. When I began to work, he continued the practice. My officemates called him Jaworski, a legendary guard in Philippine basketball. No other guy had a chance.

Number 2: Don’t Marry for the Wrong Reason

A year after I graduated, he proposed with a dazzling one-carat diamond ring and matching half-carat earrings. My father was beaming with pride that his second daughter was marrying up. We had a lavish reception at a well-known restaurant, unlike my older sister whose celebration was held at her groom’s house.

It was only after the second of our three children that he finally graduated from UP, after fifteen years. I was too smitten to notice that his family may have had the money, but he didn’t have the kind of drive that I had. I began to worry about our future and worked harder while he turned to Roses, Lilies, and Daisies.

After almost ten years, I decided that the life of a stressed single parent would be better. I focused on my career, getting more degrees, acquiring more assets, and collecting more accolades, leaving my children in the care of nannies, cooks, and drivers. It was a frenzied search for financial security. But it was a very lonely life.

Number 3: Stay committed to a lasting marriage.

This lesson I did not learn until much later. My instinct had been for flight, instead of fight. It would be on my third chance that I learned to calm down and compromise. I finally realized that there was no need to withdraw every time one encounters a difficulty because staying offered much bigger rewards. One of the biggest of them is to have a complete family. Christmas, after I left my marriage, was never again as happy until very much later.

Perhaps I should have worked with my ex-husband more. I tried but he did not come to the counseling sessions I arranged. I should have tried harder. I stopped working for two years and took up an MBA with him. But when I got better grades submitting almost the same work, that fell apart, too. But still, “What if?”

Number 4: Recapture what attracted you to each other in the first place.

Children change our perspective about life. I became focused on income generation and forgot about union preservation. He often said I may be studious, but he had native intelligence. True. I should have returned to the basic reason I was attracted to him in the first place, and I don’t mean the money; it was the long talks under the moonlit sky. But I no longer had time for that.

Number 5: Find one passion you can share.

This is the one thing that made my third try successful and my first one doomed.  My husband and I have one thing that we solidly share. Underneath we had the same travelers’ souls. RVing became an extended honeymoon when every scenic sight became not just a marvel but also, at times, a coping mechanism. And it continued as we conquered city after city, continent after continent. Travel nurtured both of us and gave us the spices to fuse the disparate flavors.

Maybe I should have spent the time in coffee talks and mahjong tables with the father of my children. His passion was the easy life. Unfortunately, it wasn’t mine.

Next week: 5 New Lessons I Stumbled Upon

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